By Dana Al Qattan

Edited by Becky Kelly

Thank the lord that I have a seat to myself at the back of the bus. That is the first thought I have as I rest my head against the window with my headphones in my ears, listening to a song that makes my heart swell. As I enjoy the vibrations of the moving vehicle I wonder, will this be a good day? Will I have a reason to smile or laugh? As morbid as that sounds, I am a college student which comes with the promise of stress, fear of failure, anxiety, and depression.

I wonder whether I have all my assignments sorted. I repeat the day’s schedule to myself over and over, working out alternatives if anything changes because everything needs to be balanced and prioritised, including drinking with friends at the end of the day when the hair comes down and I'm ready for a good drink. To lose control, but not so much control that I lose respect for myself. But most of us are in our twenties so there will be moments of shame and embarrassment from a night of mixing jägerbombs with beers and cocktails.

I tend to look out at the familiar streets that I pass by, the restaurant that I go into sometimes; the way the trees have grown more colourful and the leaves blow in the wind ever so eloquently; oddly comparing the swift movements of leaves in the wind to a ballerina or a figure skater. Then the familiar urge in my head to get off at a random stop and wander about and do my own thing, like going to Clontarf beach and watching the waves, maybe with a bottle of cheap white wine that's ever so crisp and fruity to taste, or maybe catch the other bus into Enniskerry to be close to the mountains and breathe in the earth, or maybe just get on a train and let it take me to a random place I haven’t explored before and create a new experience, a new memory. But alas, I have things to do today and can’t dismiss them, otherwise they will only pile up and become more stressful. 

Maybe one day I’ll spend my time travelling and experiencing other places, cultures, and different hearts. It sounds fantastical, but I do wonder what it must really feel like. Then, there it is, the self-claimed landmark that I remind myself to take notice of before pressing the button to be let off at the next stop. I get off with music still playing in my ears to give me the momentum to start the day as I walk through the university gates. The ramblings in my head from earlier fading as I turn my focus on what I need to do now.