You know that old saying? You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette. Basically you have to break something to make something. Make some mistakes so that in the end you can achieve something. Well, what if the omelette you end up with is the worst thing you’ve ever tasted and you regret breaking those eggs in the first place. That’s what my life has been like recently. Filled with regret, thinking “what if?”. 

Accepting your own mistakes and learning from them is one of the building blocks of becoming who you are. People always say “you’ll learn from this”, “this will help you in the long run”, “don’t overthink it”. Words of comfort to help you through the hell that is regret. For the most part, I do believe that’s it true. We do learn from our mistakes and we grow as people. But I also believe people underestimate the sinking and unavoidable feeling of wishing you had done something different. Particularly for someone like me.

I’m a self-diagnosed overthinker. In every way imaginable. I suffer a great deal from insomnia. And not because I’m never tired. On the contrary, I’m tired more often than I’m not. So even when I go to bed, physically drained from that day’s events, I still lie awake for hours on end. Why? Thinking. Overthinking. At the best of times this is hard because I end up starting the next day still tired. But when you’ve made a mistake and regret begins to creep into your mind, it’s like your overthinking has doubled. And all the words of comfort and encouragement from those you hold closest, as good-intentioned as they are, become virtually meaningless.

This has been my reality recently. One sleepless night after the next, constantly looking back and wishing I did things differently. In fact, the only nights I can get straight to sleep is after a (sometimes heavy) bout of drinking. Which led to the rather unfortunate occurrence of drinking almost every day. Something I never thought I’d say about myself is that I’d use alcohol as a coping mechanism and yet here we are. Now I can see how people can become addicted to alcohol. An escape, however brief, from reality. For me, it wasn’t the need to be drunk but the need for something to ease me into sleep instead of restless tossing and turning every night. And unfortunately, one bad habit begets others. The drink then ensures I wake up not as fresh as I should be, which leads to sleeping in, well into the afternoon which of course only leads to me feeling awake later into the day. And the cycle repeats. Add to that smoking and, regrettably, other substances and you quickly find yourself spiralling out of control. All because of one mistake.

All this then begins to affect your mood. Alcohol is a natural depressant, as we know, and when mixed with other poisons it leads to the worst cocktail of emotion you can imagine. This then has a knock-on effect on your relationships as even the ones closest to you grow tired of you, and understandably so. We all want to be there for the ones we love but one can only do so much before growing tired of being the constant shoulder to cry on. At a certain point, you have to be able to help yourself before anyone else can. Suddenly, even your best friends become irritable and you can feel yourself pushing them away. This can worsen your mood even further and as I’ve said before you can then start to rely even more on the vices mentioned above. A vicious cycle. All because of one mistake.

So where does that leave me? Well two weeks ago, after another night of drinking more than I should, I woke up feeling like I never have done before. I’ve had my share of bad times. Deaths, fights with loved ones, even my favourite teams losing an important match. This feeling was far worse. A feeling of nothing. Worthlessness. Like I had nothing to offer the world. Why get out of bed? What’s the point? Everything seemed so meaningless. It was the lowest I’ve ever felt about myself. Rock bottom. “But, you said that was two weeks ago, what’s changed?”.

Self-acceptance is a tough concept. Many people can be self-deprecating. A lot of the time it’s harmless. “Gway I look horrible in that photo”. Sometimes it’s less so. Sometimes you can be so self-deprecating that you don’t actually value yourself at all. Combine that with everything I just described above and you’re in a dangerous situation. So what did turn it around and change my perspective? Time.

It’s the most cliché answer in the book. Time is the greatest healer. And I’m not taking credit for this idea at all because I was repeatedly told that, over and over again by my friends. I just didn’t listen. I didn’t want to listen. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. Thinking that the funk I was in was never-ending. That no one understood what I was going through. Guess what? They did understand. In fact, some of them understood more than I probably ever will. It’s easy to sink into a feeling of self-pity. But let me tell you that pity party you’re throwing yourself is no fucking fun no matter how late into the night it goes. 

Anyway back to my original point, time. When I was in the lowest of low points I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. But you know what? The next day I woke up... well I still felt shit, but not as much. And the next day? Same again. And again and again until eventually, it dawned on me that the biggest reason I felt so down about myself for so long was me. And once I realized that things began to change. I’m not one for believing in these huge epiphanies people get about life, but that’s as close as I think I’ll come to one. Once I came to that realization I began to feel guilty for putting my nearest and dearest through all that abject misery that I had been projecting on to them. But it’s important not to let that guilt take over. Then you’re back to square one.

Instead, go look at yourself in the mirror. Acknowledge that you aren’t perfect. You’ve made mistakes. You will make mistakes in the future. And that’s okay because underneath all that is just a good person trying their best. I promise, even if it feels like the world is against you, it’s really not. It took me almost a month to fully accept myself and the mistakes I made. And yes, I still have bad days. I still look back with regret from time to time. That’s natural. Human nature if you like. Once I remember what’s really important, being the best person I can be for me and for those I love, I know I’m going to be okay. It’s one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn, but in a way, I’m glad I went through what I did to learn it. It’s shown me how one small mistake, one bad decision could completely derail me. And now, as I begin to move forward, I’ll know to never ever let that happen again. All because of one mistake.

By: anonymous